Nobody wishes to be in a relationship where they feel controlled. How would you feel if your partner kept on focusing only on the wrongs you do? Some partner can make you feel sidelined and as though you are forcing things into being. Being in a controlling relationship is not pleasant to be a part of.
But the tricky part is that most people don’t realize when they are in a controlling relationship. The controlling behaviour of a partner is often confused with “caring”, “protective”, “jealous” or “old fashioned”. Below are signs that you have a controlling partner;
They criticize you – a lot.
A controlling partner will criticize you a lot. The criticism can come in the form of backhanded comments or playful jokes about things they know you are sensitive about.
In contrast, healthy criticism is often said in an attempt to improve your partner’s life and self-esteem. For example, if your partner wants to criticize your career, they will sit down and have a real conversation with you. They will try to understand your aspiration and goals and tell you where they think you are going wrong.
A controlling partner will try to brush it off in a sentence to put you down: “What are you worried about? Playing the guitar is not even a real career.”
They try to keep tabs on you all the time.
Someone who genuinely misses you and wants to speak with you throughout the day will text you often and get on a phone call whenever they can. They will text you the first thing in the morning (if you are not staying together) and share the day with you. They will take time from their busy day to reach out to you and ask you how you are. They will be excited to meet you at the end of the day.
A caring partner will give you space when you are busy or out with friends. But a controlling partner will text you more when he/she feels like you are in a situation that threatens the relationship; situations such as going to a bar with friends or at a social gathering.
The controlling partner will reach out under the disguise of missing you. A caring partner will most likely be honest about their concerns instead of doing it indirectly with negative reinforcement.
You will slowly start alienating your friends and family.
This negative reinforcement usually takes a toll on you mostly because it is followed by positive reinforcement when you give them attention. They give you the love and attention you crave in a relationship. You feel intimacy and you get approval from the person you love. What more could you ask for?
Slowly, after being in this negative and positive reinforcement cycle for months (or years), you start craving the positive reinforcement and avoiding the negative reinforcement.
Every time you go to meet your friends and can’t give him/her your full attention, there is a fight later. So, you slowly start avoiding your friends. You only do it when it’s convenient for your partner. And you make sure that they have something to do while you are busy with your friends or family. You will soon realize that you are walking on eggshells. And that’s really no way to live a healthy life.
You may end up in a codependent relationship without even knowing it.
If your partner is controlling and you don’t end the relationship in the initial stages, it’s likely that you will end up in a co-dependent relationship. Whereas before, you were an independent and well-rounded individual who was going through each day with pride and gusto.
Now, you are reduced to someone who often fights with their partner, is constantly stressed and is always walking on eggshells. You are no longer the person who was growing in life. Now you need your partner’s permission to grow.
Co-dependent relationships can range from extreme to mild depending on how severe the codependent dynamics are and how long you have been together.