Mtaachana Tu! The Sad Truth about Your Nairobi Boyfriend

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There are fancy things to look forward to when in Nairobi. Dating in these streets is easy, fun and could give you some ulcers here and there, you know, just to keep you in check. Nairobi is Kenya’s beautiful bloody city where some dreams are realized and others are shattered.

If you are one of the unlucky ones, you will meet a Nairobian boyfriend.  He’s a corporate church going guy who has his dreams written in bold on the walls of his heart. The typical Tall Dark and Handsome, the one that your friends keep drooling over. In mind you have already created this fancy after-life and for a moment you can’t wait for your enemies to see you run these streets!

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It’s the face he wears during the day, because it suits him. Guess who he is at night. A booty obsessed baby who scours every page on instagram, checking out Hot_Thurder_Thighs and other blessed mamas who love exposing their nakedness, for no reason, because there’s nothing else they’d rather do.

He has the perfect bum for a man, the beards and some cash. Even with his mean eyebrows, you will still love him. But you, with your kind heart and kinder body, he will not treasure. He doesn’t have time for the emotional stuff. He’s working towards being nominated in the Top 40 under 40 Men Awards this year.

But you also have dreams of your own. You want to be the Missus! The woman he takes home. Truth is, the two of you are liars, but one is better than the other. This man will be the reason why you start dreaming and regretting why you never got here earlier.

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You will forget what your elder brothers told you, about no man loving you more than they do. They must have lied, to protect me. It’s what brothers do. You will console yourself. One of the things that I have learnt is that brothers want to keep us safe. They love us. Truly. Irrevocably.  But we are fools.

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Your bearded bum-lover boyfriend will feed your head with illusions and dump you long before you have seen any of your dreams to fruition. You will join the lot that Nairobi breaks. Believe me, you will be miserable. If you let yourself drown, the next New Year will drive you away from this fascinating city where some street children have better English than your high school English teacher.

If you are one of the women who can’t sink, you will survive.  You will meet others. And  this time, you will break them.

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