With almost every man having crazy appetite for sex, it’s hard to imagine what can drive a man to deny his girlfriend/wife a chance to make love.
But the truth is that they are several circumstances that off a willing man.
Research show that beautiful, fit, desirable—and desiring—women regularly make sex therapy appointments to complain about husbands who don’t want sex.
No attraction.
Sometimes a man does lose attraction for his partner and no longer want to have sex with her — this is true. But it’s important to remember that in a long-term relationship, attraction is a complex emotion — it’s a mix of visual pleasure and sexual chemistry, as well as feelings about the relationship, like how well you get along, being able to relax together, and being respected.
Loss of attraction can also be a psychological defense. If a man is feeling suffocated in the relationship, he may experience a loss of attraction as a way to create some space and avoid the closeness that sex brings. Narcissism can also be a factor — it may cause a man to feel deeply disappointed in the normal and inevitable physical changes in his partner, which are threatening his own sense of mortality.
Performance anxiety.
Many men believe their status as a lover is determined by their ability to get, and maintain, a firm erection. Regardless of whether he feels desire, if a man has problems getting or keeping an erection, or if he has trouble lasting a fair time during intercourse, he may hesitate to initiate.
Unfortunately, women can misinterpret these problems as attraction problems and become critical or reactive, which just complicates the dynamic further.
His work is his mistress.
When men are passionately involved with their careers, they can sublimate sexual excitement that would normally be directed toward their wives. The accolades, money and ego boost from being regularly praised, or promoted, can be a turn-on.
Affairs.
Especially when there is a change in a man’s desire without apparent good reason, he might be having an affair. Certainly, affairs can start because of sexual frustration, but they are often a complicated solution to seemingly unsolvable problems within the primary relationship.
Within a relationship committed to fidelity, sexual acting out can take a variety of forms, including a love affair, a one-night stand, online chatting, sexting, escorts, etc., and may result in the man not wanting sex with his partner, either out of guilt or satiety.
While an affair can destroy a relationship, it is possible that partners in the primary relationship could examine what the affair means, why it started, and find a stronger relationship together.
To understand which of these reasons applies to your situation — and to improve it — you need to talk with your partner about what you’re experiencing (or not experiencing) and your feelings about it. Start with one-on-one conversations, but if you have trouble communicating, or don’t see any progress, seek the help of a counselor.
Sexual Autonomy.
He doesn’t want to negotiate sex and so takes his desire, literally, into his own hands. He masturbates to porn or his own fantasies because it’s quick and efficient.
Some men feel exquisite vulnerability at being dependent on another person for their desire to be quenched. Our society idealizes a man who needs nothing–the rugged individual, the Marlboro man, the take-charge-don’t-take-anything-from-anyone guy.
Boys can internalize the idea that being dependent makes them less male. And childhood patterns of interrupted care, or neglect from constantly busy parents, can cause boys—and girls—to decide that needing is dangerous.
Boredom.
While women typically respond best to a slow sexual approach, the truth is, sometimes men want to just “get after it” when they feel the urge. With a body full of testosterone, they are sexual kindling to the sexual stimuli all around, and it can be discouraging when they have a female partner who cannot fathom what it feels like to ignite instantaneously.
And when a man hears his partner’s complaint of “all you want is sex,” it can feel like male-bashing — when the truth is, while he does desperately want sex and is physiologically programmed to want sex, he wants sex with her specifically, his partner, to express both desire and love.
Occasionally, men need reciprocity of pure lust: “You want it, so I want it!” They’d love an aggressive partner, an animal moment, an uninhibited encounter that is wild and free.
Here are other weird reasons:
- The attractive young woman is actually an ax murderer.
- He’s gay.
- She’s not as attractive as she thinks she is.
- He doesn’t feel like having sex.
- He has a crush on some other woman, so he doesn’t really want to do the horizontal tango with the chick in question.
- She has scabies, and is very open about it.
- The woman just got run over by a truck and he needs to call an ambulance.
- He just got run over by a truck and the woman needs to call an ambulance.
- He would love to have sex with her, but he doesn’t feel like the Walgreens parking lot is really an appropriate place to do so.
- He has the flu and doesn’t want her to catch it.
- He’s asexual.
- The woman is his sister.
- He’s depressed.
- She’s drunk, and being a really stand-up guy, he decides to take her home so she can sleep it off instead of taking advantage of her.
- He’s had sex with the woman before, and found that they’re not really compatible.
- It’s the middle of the zombie apocalypse, and he doesn’t want to risk a child being born into a world full of undead fiends.
- Perhaps she isn’t as attractive as she thinks she is.
- Perhaps she is attractive to many people, but not to him.
- Perhaps he is turned off by herentitled attitude. He’s not “refusing” to have sex with her, because she has no right to expect that he should or would.