Speaking as a male, I can’t think of anything that remotely equals the thrill of an orgasm. What’s weird is that, for all the attention it receives, the male orgasm doesn’t get talked about in much detail despite the fact that there can be a huge difference in intensity from one to the next. My guess is that the most women don’t know this.
With this information gap in mind, I set out to discover what, exactly, makes for the most bone-rattling, foundation-shaking male orgasms, and what women can do to encourage their arrival. I went straight to the internet — a few sex therapist websites, lots of men. It was as if they (the guys, at least) were just waiting for someone to ask. So here, finally, is everything you need to know about helping your guy have stronger, longer orgasms.
One warning before we begin: Be prepared for surprises, and for seeming contradictions. It turns out that male orgasms are both as single-minded as they sometimes seem, and at the same time a lot more complicated. As sensitive as men are to skill and technique, they’re equally powered by mood, setting, and timing. The fun — for him and for you — is in mixing up the following strategies to see what will work. So have at it.
Love him
The biggest secret about men’s orgasms, I think, is that they reveal how vulnerable we are. That’s why they’re so sensitive to the environment; slight changes in the wind can turn a 10-gun salute into a popgun. Will, 30, a bank administrator, for instance, says he sometimes finds he can’t come at all if he’s too worried about his job.
The surprise for me in interviewing men for this story was that only one of them said he enjoyed being brought to orgasm through oral sex. That’s an avenue I expected would be number one on most men’s hit parade. And it is — but only as foreplay.
We men are really looking for the same things from sex that women are: love, acceptance, and intimacy. The moment of orgasm is when those needs are most exposed, and men — even married men — can get nervous being emotionally naked.
When asked what techniques produced his most intense orgasms, men fondly recalled lovers who grabbed them by their butt and pulled them tighter toward them, as if they wanted nothing so much as to completely absorb them.
Therapists can talk for hours about how to achieve true intimacy, but a good place to start would be in bed tonight. Tell your man how much you love him, and mean it. Then hold on for dear life.
Tell him he has the night off
A good orgasm for a man is the sexual equivalent of a cold beer at the end of the workday: a satisfying reward for a job well done. The job in this case is pleasing you. A major part of the satisfaction men get from sex is the ego boost that results from making our partners go bonkers in bed.
The point is that a lot of men won’t allow themselves to savor their own orgasm until they’ve accomplished that goal. Performing comes first; my orgasm comes second.
Sex therapists will tell you that although this approach is admirable — better that men be too concerned with their partners’ orgasms than not at all concerned — it can nonetheless constitute a form of voluntary sensory deprivation. By reining in their passion, many men deprive themselves of the sexual abandon that produces the strongest orgasms.
Sex becomes a battle to make sure she has an orgasm, rather than a mutual sharing of enjoyment.
The solution? Give your man the night off. Encourage him to focus on enjoying himself without worrying about taking care of you. There are two basic ways to go about this. One is to tell him, as your lovemaking heats up, that you want this one to be all for him, that tonight he should do whatever makes him feel good.
The other is to encourage him to lie back passively and let himself be pleasured by you. Sex therapists say this is a better method, because it enables him to concentrate completely on what he’s feeling, rather than on what he’s doing.
The same should go for you when he returns the favor another night: Ideally, both of you will regularly take turns teaching the other delightful lessons in the art of orgasmic appreciation.
One caution: Many men find it difficult to let go of control during sex. Don’t be surprised, then, if it takes a while before your husband is comfortable turning the reins completely over to you. Be patient, but be firm. He’ll learn to love it.