School holidays mean extending family time. And with Easter looming, family gatherings and ceremonies are a great opportunity to bond with relatives in shagz over roast goat ribs and a few horns of busaa and muratina. It could be kula mbuzi ya mtoto, rocking the new born baby girl, kupeleka mahari or a plain get together to share mbuzi ya Easter for no apparent reason. In these gatherings, there are family characters who will make you laugh, cry or both. Here are 10 such…
1. The Mysterious
This is the relative whose name often escapes everyone. No one knows where they live let alone what they do. They never come with their families and no one ever heard they got married. They disappear from family functions as mysteriously as they came. Sometimes they are also the richest in the family, but don’t like being pestered.
2. Mlevi-in-Chief
These are the incorrigible, certified family drunks. They don’t believe in eating on an empty stomach and thus come high on second generation alcohol, eyes red like nyanya. While they often have funny stories told through missing front teeth, they can bring aibu ndogo ndogo when they mistake mzinga from muratina. They are also adept at separating watu wa Nairobi from their money with tales of woe!
3. Mama Yao
She is the jovial auntie
4. Mzee Kobe
This is the uncle who always comes late and high like a kite. But kids love him for his generosity and goodies. But you never see him without his black Godpapa hat, half coat under a kabuti and his rusty Volkswagen Beetle has to be pushed downhill but not before warning “wacha niwapange vizuri hii gari ata inaeza beba watu mia mbili…Auntie Sherrie chomoka kiasi watu watoshee vizuri…”
5. Mpishi Bora
Her culinary expertise is the talk of the village. She prepares the best chapati and and can do amazing thing with a goat head. Everyone consults her on food matters and don’t be dismayed when she lectures you about kujenga mwili , kukunywa dawa za minyoo,na kupunguza kitambi.
6. The Hungry Tigers
They usually want to have a taste of every dish from the relative above. Their plates are usually full of different dishes which will later leave them constipated. Being heavy machines, they make orders around “ata uji nitakunywa iletwe..chai nayo iko kwa njia…”
7. Team Wajuaji
These are relatives who know it all. From where best to source mbuzi ya Waria, which are the cheapest mechanics along Kirinyaga Road to where best to educate your children. These consultants usually have their first car, but are thrice married, but know how to tell spouses to avoid. They often ruin gatherings with comments like “kama mngeniuliza hamngenunua hizo viti” and “nilijua tu chakula haitatosha…”
8. Discipline Masters
He knows the naughty kid’s hideouts and miraculously fishes them out. Canes and whips in hand, he usually commands a lot of respect. He is known for kuweka sura ya kazi and whistling and patrolling while issuing threats.
9. The Time bombs
Silent Silas occupies the darkest corners in tents and buildings. He only affords rare and wry smiles and constantly nods to everything happening around. Silent Silas seems angelic until he reactivates his vocal cords with alcohol. He then turns out to be Drunken Duncan. There and then he begins blurting out : “Mnajua mimi ni nani ? Mtajua mimi ni nani…”
10. Flower Girls
They are usually well endowed and chivalrous smiling machines who act as receptionists, welcoming visitors during ceremonies. They at times break into song and dance “karibu wageni wetu…” Later in the course of the ceremony, they show visitors around, often piping “ hapa walinunua shamba wakapanda miwa…hii paka walipewa na nyanya mzee… hizi ng’ombe watauza January…”